You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
