My cat gives me a boner
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
