I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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