You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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