My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
