So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
