Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
