Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
