yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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