the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
