All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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