We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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