I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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