My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
