Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
