Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
