please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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