four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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