Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
