She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
