I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
