I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
