Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
