she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
