Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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