I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
