good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
