Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
