I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
