so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
