right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I smell like Dick and happiness
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
