Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
