You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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