When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my sisters under your porch take her home
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
