You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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