So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
