I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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