yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
