i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
