Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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