I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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