apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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