did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
