if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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