Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Your face is a jimmy john
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
