Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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