I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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