Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
