I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
