Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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