I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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